Grief is like a shadow of you

I wanted to write today about how grief never really goes away. Even when we think we've got a handle on it, it finds a way to catch us by surprise. Last week, on the 18th of July it marked 2 years without you. To be honest I was feeling pretty ok about the date, I didn't think it was going to affect me much. I even said in a counseling session that I didn't tend to get super sad anymore and that I could see everything more as 'fond rememberance' I think were my words. And I suppose most of the time that is true now, however, I think the after effects of the 2 year date have really affected me this week, it's been more of a slow burn than everything in one go.

I had an appointment in Lausanne today, and so spontaneously decided to come and sit by the lake in the exact place where we sat together on our first date and had an ice cream. It became quite the regular spot for us and so I can't come here without seeing you on every bench and leaning up against every tree. We had many conversations here and just sat and looked at the lake and the mountains. Sitting here now I somehow feel closer to you than I have done in a while. I can picture us sitting on the wall overlooking the lake with our ice-creams and just getting to know each other. This specific view will always be special to me because I have those memories with you.

This past week/10 days since the 18th I have really really been missing you and the sadness has felt much deeper again. It's that type of sadness that sits right deep in the bottom of your heart, you almost feel it in your soul. Perhaps that sounds extreme but that's the best way I can describe it. And the loneliness is back. It's a very specific type of loneliness, one that only comes from missing you. I could be surrounded by people yet still feel this loneliness because you're not here with me. I miss you in the evenings when we should be sitting and watching tv together just chilling, I miss your hugs in the mornings. I miss being able to just talk to you and tell you all the silly and minute details about my day, no one else listens to those things. I miss being able to text you when I see something that I know would make you laugh. I miss sharing memories with you. And perhaps more than anything, I miss the opportunity to create new memories with you. I would love more than anything in the world to be able to plan trips and adventures with you, just the 3 of us, as it should be. I just miss your presence and your voice and your intelligence and your smile. Everything, I miss everything and it sucks and it hurts and it makes me angry that I have to feel all these things. It makes me angry that the rest of the world can just continue on, everyone else can just get on with their lives but not me. I have to feel this emptiness, this loneliness and this sadness every single day. Even though it may be very different and much less dark than it was at the beginning, it's still always there lurking inside me, ready to come out at any moment where I'm feeling vulnerable or where I see something that reminds me of you. It's like there's a shadow of you with me always, and most of the time that comforts me and I can smile about it, but sometimes it makes me cry big ugly tears and makes me feel so alone.

I suppose I just wanted to voice those feelings because they've been pretty strong lately and I've felt them on a daily basis, people around me have noticed that something's up so I guess the grief really hit me with another heavy wave more than I thought it had.

I know now that this grief, this sadness, this emptiness, this anger will never truly go away. Your shadow will never truly go away, and it's something that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life. Sometimes it's not that heavy, but other times it feels like I'm carrying around a sack of bricks. And I know that only people who have experienced loss and grief themselves will understand.

Looking out over the lake in this moment I am able to smile at those memories I mentioned above, I am grateful that they happened, and I know that they make me part of who I am today. I just wish we could come here together again and make new memories. I guess me and little J will just have to come back here and make some together for you.

Missing you, always.