Honoring a loved one

Honoring a loved one who we miss can of course be done in many different ways and I think it’s best to choose the ways that work best for you.

In my case I think I’ve just been really conscious since J was little to continue to talk about his dad. If something comes up that makes me think of Ric then I’ll be sure to tell J, for example Daddy really liked this song or that was daddy’s favorite color. I wrote ‘was’ there but I think when I actually speak of him I tend to speak of him in the present tense, that ‘is’ daddy’s favorite color. It feels to me then like Ric is still present with us if I refer to him in the present, and little J doesn’t know the difference yet so it works.

I’ve of course got photos up all over the place of me and Ric and for quite a while me and J used to stop and look at the pictures and we would say good morning and good night to daddy. So J did learn early on to recognize Ric from pictures.

I don’t know exactly when I had the idea but at some point I had a very strong desire to set up a special bench for Ric, you know one of those benches with a plaque on about the loved one. I had thought about having a bench setup in the park where we got engaged, but that wasn’t possible sadly. So I decided to set it up in the garden, which actually has turned out to be really nice to have. I ordered a simple garden bench and then stained it blue. I ordered a special plaque and screwed that on. I wanted to make it a bit more special so I also got some solar paneled light up sunflowers to put either side of the bench, sunflowers are Ric’s favorite flower. He loves peaches too, so on a trip to the garden center one time I spontaneously got a peach tree to put next to his bench. It was quite nice to have something special for him that I had to take care of.

I also got an artificial candle that is enclosed by a personalised lamp holder with photos of us and a nice quote. It makes the bench look quite special at night when the lamp is lit up as well as the sunflowers. It’s been a really nice place to sit sometimes when I’ve wanted to just sit and talk to him. One additional item I got for the bench is a little robin statue with a sign that says ‘When I am appear a loved one is near’.

To explain a bit more about the robin (the bird with a red colored chest, not the robin as in Batman and robin) I heard somewhere that when a robin appears it means that a lost loved one is near. I thought that was quite a nice thought at first but wasn’t so sure how true it could be. But I’ve since had so many sightings of robins even in unexpected places and at random times of the year. And at first they always seemed to appear when I was really missing him. We were at a zoo once with J and my parents and amongst the trees just sitting on a bench there was a robin, it was an unexpected place to see one and it just seemed such perfect timing. I’ve also seen one in my parents garden several times when I had just been talking about Ric. And countless times I’ve seen one in my garden too, they will sometimes linger almost in unusual behavior for a bird and on a few occasions one has even sat on Ric’s special bench. So I truly do believe that when I see a robin it means that Ric is close by, and it’s super comforting to know that he’s around in one way or another.

Perhaps the nicest thing about the robins is that J now recognizes them as ‘Daddy’s bird’, and whenever we see one in a book or out in real life he waves to it and says hi daddy’s bird. Which I find super sweet.

I’ve also tried to do special things to remember/honor Ric on his special days like birthdays. The first year I went and did the exact same hike that we had once done together. It was a super special and memorable hike and we both actually used to carry around pictures from that day in our wallets. So I returned to repeat the hike on what should have been his 29th birthday. It was actually a lovely day and I wasn’t as sad as expected, instead I laughed and cried as I watched videos from the day when we had been there together. It was a nice day of just remembering the good times with him. I brought a Coke Zero with me to do a cheers to Ric (coke zero was sort of our special treat drink as we didn’t actually drink alcohol), and a wore a red t-shirt the same as I had done on the day we went together. It was special, and i’m glad I took the time to return there.

Me and little J have also started our own tradition for daddy’s birthday and that is to blow out some candles for him. We’ve now done it twice and I think it’s a really nice thing for us to both do together to celebrate Ric’s birthday.

I think also in general I just try to mention Ric in conversation whenever he comes to mind, almost to keep his memory alive. And to be honest I will just talk to him whenever I feel like I need to speak to him. So in a way I feel like I can always interact with him wherever I am, which is quite comforting. I also continue for now to wear my wedding ring and I have added a special ring with the letter R and Ric’s birthstone which I also wear on my ring finger. Since Ric passed I have also been wearing a heart necklace which he bought me many years ago, It’s nice to have something special like that that has meaning always with me.

I’m sure as J gets older we will find other ways to honor his dad, but for now these are the things that we have done. I do want to be sure as J gets bigger that he knows that his dad was there with him as long as he could be and that he loved him very much. I know that sadly for J his dad will never be a physical person that he can interact with or even have memories of, but I really want him to know that Ric loved him more than anything and that he would be here with us if he could.